**note on
the title: My wonderful friend Dee has a beautiful daughter who has quite
grumpily complained she’s never been mentioned in a blog. Therefore I shall
mention her, but not by name. Just as a participant in my adventure**
There are
people that think I make shit up for humour’s sake. This is not the case. As
un-named child stated, “Your life is exactly like your blog. People need to be
around you to experience this otherwise they just don’t get it.” Yet she gets
embarrassed spending time with me (but only in public, because then there are
witnesses).
An
example of this would be our wonderful brunch at Ihop. Before I can continue, I
must explain. I do not generally acknowledge attractive people. Let me explain
via picture. Below is an example of what people see when a physically
attractive stranger walks by:
Now in
all fairness, it may not be a shoe. It could be a hat, a scarf, or some other
random inanimate object. I mean, I can generally understand why certain people
are found attractive, but I personally don’t find them attractive unless I know
them. Therefore my brain replaces them with the image of something more useful
to me.
Now say
said hot person speaks to you, the thought process is:
So my
actually not only seeing an
attractive person, but acknowledging
them is so rare that you might as well buy a lottery ticket when it happens.
NOW I can
continue my story.
So we get
into Ihop to order our delicious breakfast and the conversation goes like this:
Dee: Oh
I’m excited!
Me: Yes,
I love…. Holy crap.
Dee: you
love what now?
Me: look
over there. That person is so amazingly hot that… wow. He’s like 50 ft tall
though.
Dee: No
way there is… oh. Well then.
Me: I
just… pancakes.
Dee:
That’s not even… Wow he’s more like 100 ft tall and… huh.
Unnamed
child: WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT I AM HUNGRY!
Me:
Shhhh. Let’s see if we can get it to come over!
*I start
making little smooching noises*
Me: With hot people, you
call them over like puppies, right?
Dee: LOOK
AT YOUR DAMN MENU!
Me: I
can’t… there’s too much, I don’t understand. Just… wow.
**unnamed
child then puts the menu up in front of me to block my view**
Unnamed
child: Ha. There, now look at what you want to eat!
Me: Pfft,
joke’s on you. He’s too tall to be blocked by the menu.
Luckily I
know what I wanted already, so I could just awkwardly stare while Dee and
Unnamed child made their choices.
After the
waitress took our orders, hot employee (we later determined he was probably the
manager due to being in a black shirt vs a server’s uniform) disappeared.
I tried
to take a picture of hot employee but he managed to avoid being seen. I did
however, get a picture of unnamed child looking embarrassed at my attempts of
trying to ninja a photo:
About ten
minutes later, said hot employee showed up again. I tried to strategically get
a camera angle to take a photo of Unnamed child while simultaneously getting
the hot guy in the photo, but SOMEONE would not be compliant:
There is
no way hot employee would be next to her spoon. She did not know how to play
this game. Not at all.
Near the
end, we had to give up. He’d gone missing again and we had to leave. As we were
leaving, Unnamed child goes, “He’s right there, behind you!” (thanks for being
so obvious, FYI) and I tried to take another picture of him, but this was the
best we could do:
We
determined that this person was simply far too attractive to be caught by
camera, lest your eyes melt out of your sockets in awe.
**P.S.
Unnamed child’s name is Chloe, in case you didn’t figure that out. If you
didn’t figure it out on your own from the last photo, please stop reading my
blog. God may love stupid people, but I don’t.**
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